I came home from school, and the screen door crashed behind me. My mother was sitting on the sofa, watching t.v. and smoking a cigarette. She asked, "How was school?" but before I could answer, she directed me into the kitchen to start peeling potatoes for dinner.

Mom followed and told me about her day, starting with her having to pay bills and how she was afraid Dad's paycheck wouldn't be enough to buy groceries this week. She followed that up with what today's Phil Donahue was about. She finished up by telling me that she was thinking about writing her memoirs so that my brothers and I could really get who she was.

She was drunk, and I was thirteen.

I often think about that scene and many like it as I go about in my daily life raising my own children. I think about what I hated about my parents and what I wished they had done differently. How they raised me has influenced me greatly as a parent. I just figured that if I did the opposite of what they did, I'd be okay.

And, for the most part, that strategy has worked. I don't consider my children built-in slaves; rather, we all help out around the house with chores because that's what members of a community do. My husband and I don't share our problems with our children. Sure, we told them when Chris's company closed up shop and he was without a job. But we weren't despairing of our situation, and we presented a positive front to our children. When I'm upset by something, I don't lean on my seven- and ten-year olds for support. That's what my friends and husband are for. :-)

Still, I know I'm not perfect, far from it, and I wonder what particular parenting strategies are going to cause problems for my children. Do I expect too much from them? Do I yell too much? Am I too critical? Do I let them know often enough how wonderful they are? Do I build up their self-esteem? Do I tell them how smart they are, rather than focusing on their physical appearance? Am I giving them the tools they need to grow up to be self-sufficient, independent, confident young women? Do I take enough of an active part in their day-to-day lives? Do I let them have enough free time just to be kids? Do I let them watch too many movies? Are the movies we let them watch at all inappropriate for them? Do I harp too much on grammar? Is a clean room that important?

I'll stop there as I could go on forever. Maybe I think too much about the cause and effect of every single thought, word, and action. I remember when they were little and considering every decision. "Should I let my two-year-old jump on the couch?" "No. If I'm not going to let her do it when she's seven, I'm not going to let her start now." Every second of my day as a new mother seemed to be filled with decisions such as this. So, yes, I do think everything through.

What I really want to know, though, is am I good a mother?

I've actually asked my girls this. Not in the pathetic terms of "Am I a good mother?" but in asking them if there were things I do that they wished I did differently. Neither one of them had any criticisms for me. As far as they were concerned, they didn't think I should change what I did.

I'm not sure what to think about that. Maybe they don't have the frame of reference to answer that question. Maybe they don't know enough to know what they don't like. Or maybe they do know, and they don't feel comfortable telling me. Maybe I'll have to wait until they're grown women for them to tell me, "You know, Mom, I really hated it when you ______." Of course, that's not really going to help me now, is it? Maybe I'll never know.

If my mother had asked me if there were things I wished she did differently, would I have answered truthfully? I actually don't know the answer to that. What if she asked me now? Oh, boy. That opens a whole can of worms. Of course, if I say, "Oh, Mom. You were a great mother!" she's not really going to believe it.

Maybe this isn't a question that mothers should ever ask.