My older daughter Kathryn is ten, and I see the writing on the wall. Some days she acts as if she's two years old; other days she's doing a sixteen-year-old number that sends me to the file drawer to check her birth certificate. I'm not sure which is more frustrating: the two-year-old or the sixteen-year-old.

In her ten-going-on-sixteen-going-on-thirty-five days, Kathryn is all wrapped up in herself. I know from the work I did in college on childhood development that it's common for children to only be able to see as far as their own selves. They don't realize that there are other people out in the world with their own joys, worries, anxieties, personalities, and problems that have nothing to do with them. As a parent, one of my responsibilities is to teach my children that there is another world out there beyond the Kathryn- and Anastasia-World.

In the Goldberg house, we call this acknowledging. Here's how this came about.

Me: "Kathryn, when you put your books down on the table, you knocked over the glass of water."

Kathryn: "No, I didn't."

Me: "Yes, see the knocked over glass of water and your books on the table?"

Kathryn: "I did that?"

Me: "Yes, you did. Please clean it up."

Kathryn: "But I didn't mean to!"

We had a conversation around acknowledging. I gave her an example in which Bob (fictional) steps on Sally's (another figment of Dawn's imagination) foot.

Sally yells, "Ow!"

Bob, being very insensitive, says, "What? What's your problem?"

Sally explains, "You stepped on my foot!"

Bob shoots back, "No, I didn't!"

Sally - "Yes, you did!"

Bob stomps off and says, "Well, I didn't mean to!"

In a perfect world, I explained to Kathryn, Bob would acknowledge what happened to Sally. Let's try that again.

Sally yells, "Ow!"

Bob says, "Oh, what happened?"

Sally replies, "You stepped on my foot."

Bob - "Gosh, I'm sorry. I had no idea. Are you okay?"

Mollified, Sally rubs her foot and announces that, yes, she will live another day.

All Sally wanted was for Bob to acknowledge what happened. It was nice that he apologized (as he should have), but the most important piece was that he acknowledged the problem and Sally's reaction.

(By the way, Bob and Sally have become staples in the Goldberg household. It's a great way to explain something without making it personal or attacking the other person. The girls get a kick out of using Bob and Sally as examples, and they'll even use them to illustrate points to each other or to us.)

This made perfect sense to Kathryn, and we've been able to use the term "acknowledge" in many situations. She realizes that she's not a bad person for doing something "wrong," and her attitude in talking about these situations has definitely improved. Her empathy level has shot up, and she is starting to see things from other people's point of view.

After going through this experience, I realized that the need to be acknowledged is universal. We all want to be acknowledged. It's not just confined to Bob and Sally. Imagine how the conversations below change from an feeling of being attacked to one of being understood.

Husband: "I worked so hard today, and I'm feeling stressed." Wife: "I'm sorry you had such a hard day" as opposed to "You think your day was bad? Imagine having to cart the kids to school and back twice because Jimmy forgot his lunch, taking the dog to the vet..."

Woman: "I feel attacked every time Jane opens her mouth." Mother: "I don't like feeling attacked either. Let's come up with some ways to change the subject" as opposed to "You need to be more thick-skinned."

Wife: "Today just isn't going the way I want it to, and I just want some time to quilt." Husband: "Poor baby. What can I do to give you more time to quilt" instead of "Well, why didn't you quilt? You made the choice not to quilt."

See what a difference acknowledging makes? When we acknowledge, it keeps the situation about the person, instead of turning the spotlight to us. And, most importantly, it's not always about finding a solution (although it can be); it's about empathizing with that person. What we humans want most is to be understood and acknowledged: what we've done, the effort we've made, the hurts we've endured, the feelings we feel. THAT's the major need. Most of us can solve our own problems (the small ones, anyway). We just want someone to know where we're coming from.

Just ask Bob and Sally.