When I was a brand-new mother, I went to the mall's play center, and I just sat with my infant, wanting, hoping desperately, for someone to come over and talk to me. But all the other moms were there with their mom friends, and they didn't really have time for me. I felt so isolated, alone, friendless, and quite a bit bored. One day I would go to Wal-mart. Another day I would go to Michael's. (I wasn't really into soap operas, so I needed to have something to do with my infant, something to make me feel connected to other people.) Even to this day, ask me where something is in Michael's, and I can tell you, just about down to the aisle number.

Then one day I found the MOMS Club (Moms Offering Moms Support). It was like heaven!!!!! There were moms of kids of all ages, and there were two other moms with babies the same age (6 months) who joined when I did. Finally!!!! Other people with whom I could connect! Within the MOMS Club, we had different areas of interest like an arts and crafts group, a walking group, and playgroups for all different ages.

I did it all! I attended just about every MOMS Club activity there was on the calendar. I volunteered to be administrative vice-president when the current one moved to Texas (her name was Dawn, and I had just moved from Texas - weird, huh?). I became coordinator for the arts and crafts group. I was part of a playgroup with other moms of 6-month old babies. I went to every tour and field trip: zoo, tour of the fire station, tour of the recycling center (I really enjoyed that one - I am a fierce recycler!). All of this when my child was 6 months to 30 months old. I'm not sure how much my 1-year old got out of the tour of the donut shop, but by gosh and by golly, we were getting out of the house!

After several years in the MOMS Club, I felt that my entire identity was tied to my children. Heck, wasn't the whole reason I was in the MOMS Club because I was - um - a mom? So, all I had was a connection to these other women based on the fact that I was a mother, and their connection to me was that they were mothers to their children. While we certainly gravitated to those women with whom we had interests in common, we didn't meet each other of our own volition or because of those common interests (hey, I like to play the piano), but because we had borne children.

I started to struggle against the professional mommy syndrome (PMS) - you know, that state of mind of "Kids are my entire life, and I live to be a mommy, 24-hours a day." I myself did it really well: arts and crafts with my child, MOMS Club executive board for three years, sock monkeys for every child in the extended family for Christmas, home-made everything, a clean house, cross-stitch projects (especially those celebrating the birth of the baby!), albums full of photos of my children, flash cards for my just-barely crawling baby, and more. I made homemade wheat pancakes from scratch (no mixes here!) every morning for my daughter, and hot, healthy lunches every afternoon.

However, cooking every meal with fresh food (not a prepared food in sight) got a little old and time-consuming, especially with a toddler running about. My husband laughed when I mentioned that some other moms in the MOMS Club had housekeepers. His response, "My stay-at-home wife wants a maid?"

That's still a sore spot nine years later!

I ended up feeling brainwashed, angry even, at the Stepford mom I thought I had become. My whole life revolved around my child.

I wanted to be Dawn, not just someone's mommy or wife, but me. I wanted to use my brain. I wanted people to know me, Dawn. So, I enrolled in AssistU's training program, started my own business, and became a VA.

My practice grew, my commitments grew, and I was certainly known as Dawn. I threw myself into my business with the same fervor with which I had entered into professional mommyhood. I did great things with my clients and established some incredible relationships based on our work together, and I grew and developed professionally and personally.

After a few years, though, I started looking longingly at my girls playing outside on a school holiday. I wanted a holiday too!!! I wanted a break from working. I wanted to be able to have the flexibility to be with my kids whenever I wanted.

Then it got to be too much, and I cut down my practice so that, yes, I could spend more time with my kids, but also so that I could continue to explore who Dawn is. Once again, I was railing against the role and label I had placed myself in. This time, it was Virtual Assistant Extraordinaire and Business Owner.

So, I cut down on the amount of work I was doing, and I had more time for those things I wanted to do rather than those I felt that I had to do. The inspiration for this article came during an afternoon where I was making my favorite banana bread recipe (which is an entry in my After School Snacks book, by the way. I may still hate cooking, but I do love to bake), and my girls were doing a cool craft (Dino Dig) next to me in the kitchen. Life felt really good, and I felt I had reclaimed some of that lost domesticity.

It's still not something I want exclusively: being at my children's beck and call, cooking gourmet meals from scratch, sewing Halloween costumes (read my previous article on the stress that caused), and having pretty much everything I do result from being a mother.

I want it all, and I'm working at having it all. I remember a friend of mine telling me quite derisively, "Women today think they can have it all, but they can't. You can either be a mother or work, but you can't do both." I disagreed with her then, and I still disagree with her. There's nothing wrong with a little bit of domestic goddess or mother goddess. Just make sure there's some YOU goddess in there.

Long live our goddesses!

©2005, Dawn Goldberg and After School Snacks.

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Dawn Goldberg is a Certified Master Virtual Assistant, COO of Assist University, mother, community leader, and former teacher. Her vision is to create a resource that helps parents find ways to enjoy valuable, constructive time with their children every day. Contact her at angel@virtualangel.biz or visit www.afterschoolsnacks.com.